20 Very Short Books

A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

A kid is asking questions about many professionals, when they urgently need to go to the rest rooms:

A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced dream mobile.She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.He demonstrates:"Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini."Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.She drives off amazed."Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on."Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down."New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "JERK!!!" she screams. "click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band. In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts:"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners