A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife."The salesgirl said, "Our science fiction section is upstairs."

A man ducked into confession with a turkey in his arms. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you please take it and settle my guilty conscience?" "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true," the Priest said, "then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." "Oh thank-you, Father," the man said, and hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked in, the housekeeper came rushing up to him. "Father, it's terrible!" she cried. "What has happened?" asked the Priest. The housekeeper replied, "Someone has stolen the turkey right out of your refrigerator!"

A Man's World! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. -------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------ How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." --------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. --------------------------------- Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. --------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ----------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------ I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ----------------------------------- Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. ------------------------------------ Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ----------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ---------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ---------------------------------------- A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." --------------------------------------- Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. -------------------------------------- A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Marvelous," said the head of the institution. "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." "Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.quot;

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.

A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference.One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir."Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office."You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?""W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits already had a nationwide fibre optic network. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews had cellular telephones.

Jews for centuries have had outstanding people in many fields of science and research. But, in the year 1639, in a small Polish town, a 14-year-old Jewish boy, Sidney, started his own scientific investigations.Sidney, with his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started the experiment with the bull frog, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump frog!"The frog jumped and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet. Write that down, Sophie." he said.Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction Sophie wrote it down.Again the frog was brought back, and the left front leg was removed, and again said, "Jump frog!" It jumped 6 feet and Sophie wrote it down.Again Sidney tried, this time removing the large right back leg. "Jump frog! Jump frog!" he shouted and prodded the frog. The frog jumped 8 inches. "Write it down, Sophie."Finally Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig, shouting "Jump frog! Jump Frog! JUMP FROG! JUMP, JUMP FROG!"The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"Sidney thought a moment, and told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out