A good friend will bail you out of jail.A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"

At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is..................having friends. At age 20, success is..................having sex. At age 35, success is..................making money. At age 70, success is..................having sex. At age 80, success is..................having friends. At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?

If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?

If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Doyou think I'll live to be 80?"He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?""Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!""Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?""No, I don't," I said.He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?""No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be80?"