State Jokes

3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best:The first boy said, "my dad is so good he can shoot an arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand."The second boy said, "my dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand."The third boy said, "I've got you both beat, my dad so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm."

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here." "Where are you from, son?" "Texas, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas." "No kidding??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas." He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the toilet?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, buddy, this is my car!" "OK," the man says. "You take the front and I'll take the back."

Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!It had been a tricky question!!The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where ismy mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at herand says,"Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes herhead, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the backof her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboywalks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick maneuver", but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!""Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!""Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?""We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said."The sharks got 'em."

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