A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."

FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down? CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the bible that man should do the coffee." The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him the top of several pages, that it indeed says........"HEBREWS"

Why did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.

Q: Why didn't Cain please God? A: Because he just wasn't Able.

Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican? Because her teacher told her to do an ESE.

It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.

My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror. Made millions - hasn't looked back since!

This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home." Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL".

If winners never quit, and quitters never win... Who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead".