A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

A man was asked to dinner by one of his friends, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, put them on the ground, and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water! Come here boys!!"

A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with baked potato. About halfway through dinner he called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad." She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on his plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under- cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "you have your hand on my steak!" "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

A woman`s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won`t ripen. There`s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she`s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here`s what to do. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they`ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll see." Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by a tax agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense - we deliver!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs" "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"