Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?" After Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy. Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year, and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents. For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. From, You know who.?"

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted.

One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news." "Oh, no..." muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Sad News! It's always difficult to bring sad news but I think everyone should know that there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man that wrote the "Hokey Pokey" died. What's really horrible was they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left foot in......well, you know the rest...

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?" "Well," said the man, "I lie extensively."

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse came out and told the first father, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "It figures," the first father said. "I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins." Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets!" "It figures," the second father said. "I work for 3M." At that the third father fainted dead away. The second father turned to the first and asked, "What's the matter with him?" The first father replied, "He works for 7-Up!"