10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings) 1. This book is very commonly used (I also studied from it 40 years ago) 2. It's important to understand what the material means in general (I'm not good with details) 3. Some might say... (My guess is...) 4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus (I don't know the answer to your question) 5. We'll discuss that question next week (I don't know the answer to your question) 6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out (I don't know how to spell that word) 7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test (You all failed) 8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson? (Did any of you review the material as I asked?) 9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups (I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy) 10. The homework is due on Monday (Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)

1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who oppose them. 7. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 8. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 9. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 10. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 11. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 12. Plagiarism saves time.

A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump. "What?" asked the confused parts guy. She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." "A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" asked the parts guy. "A Datsun," replied the woman. As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head. "Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps," he said. "We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am," said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh,c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out, so he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise - out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and - poof - the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" and - poof - he was there. Then the government worker decided on his third wish; "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and - poof - he was back in his office!

Job Interview Quotations: Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. An interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. A candidate fell and broke arm during interview. A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. A candidate explained that one of her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. A candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. An applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. A candidate brought large dog to interview. An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. A candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. I think I'm going to throw up.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

The accountant's prayer: "Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."

New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He assumed they were turning some unreported revenues somewhere, and was determined to find it. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles. The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new candles. "What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the IRS auditor. "Simple," the Rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal." All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?" "That's easy too," said the Rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC and they send us back little pricks like you."

The following are quotes made by real police officers: "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "No, sir, we don't have quotas any more. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "Life's tough; it's tougher if you're stupid." "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away! Aim low; reach your goals; avoid disappointment. Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. If at first you don't succeed, try management.