A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl, and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary `s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

Heaven is when you have:* An American salary.* A british home.* Chinese food.* A Swiss economy.* An Italian body.* A Japanese technology.* An African tool.* An Indian wife.Hell is when you have:* An American wife.* A british body.* A chinese tool.* Swiss food.* An Italian technology.* A Japanese home.* An african economy.* An Indian salary.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Karen. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Joe. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Joe asks. "Joe, I'd like a divorce," answers Karen. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says Joe.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife.""Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?""For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?" "What Dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

The IRS Visit Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said. Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice. "Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed."