Heaven and Hell
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. "Mary... Mary.... " "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "What is it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start all over again." "Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven." * "Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.""Fair to both!" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more specific.What kind of kite?What lake?"
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.""Fair to both!" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help."Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prizeJoe again looked up and prayed..."Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.Once again, he prayed..."Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.""Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
A little girl came to a pregnent lady, and while pointing to her stomach asked : "What's that?"The lady proudly replied: "That's my little baby and I love him very much!"The little girl then said: "If you love him that much, then why the hell did you eat him?"
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in sewage."Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here".Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this" asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two.They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, " I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?"Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!"
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