US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman." After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale." The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?" The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one? Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Whoa, time out. Football is on. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning! Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR Pass My Shotgun Psychotic Mood Shift Perpetual Munching Spree Puffy Mid-Section People Make Me Sick Provide Me with Sweets Pardon My Sobbing Pimples May Surface Pass My Sweatpants Pissy Mood Syndrome Plainly; Men Suck Pack My Stuff Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have... 2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you... 3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later... 4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation? 5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies... 6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway... 7. Gobble the last slice of pizza without having to go through the 'No you have it, no really... Are you sure you don't mind...? 8. Walk about the house naked, without having to hold any bits in... 9. Have friends of the opposite sex. After marriage, it's too much effort to keep saying: "No, I really don't fancy them"... 10. Men: Enjoy that wardrobe space while you can! You will not believe the vast number of shoes that one woman needs... 11. Women: Fill in silly magazine quizzes with titles like 'Are You Seductive', without having to listen to loud laughter from your partner (who then runs off with the magazine)... 12. Men: Get rid of anything inflatable and female-shaped... 13. Relish clipping your toenails straight onto the carpet... 14. Remember that your best option with in-laws is to marry an orphan...

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice...

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman said - "I walked into my daughter's room and saw a razor on the floor. I didn't know she was old enough to shave." The Irishman said - "That's nothing; I walked into my daughter's room and saw a tampax. I didn't know she was old enough to start her periods." The Scottsman said - "Well, I walked into her room and saw a condom lying on the floor - I didn't know she had grown a cock!"

One day, 3 men were walking around in the desert. One was poor, but had lots to drink and was smart; one was rich and very thirsty but was smart, and the last was poor, thirsty and stupid. Suddenly a genie popped up and said, "Each of you can have one wish, but it is a different sort of wish to the usual. Each of you can go down this magic slide," and a slide appeared from nowhere, "and whatever you say in the slide you will land in a large pile of whatever you said." The first man went down and said, "GOLD," and he landed in gold; the second man said, "COCA-COLA," and he landed in coca-cola; the last man said, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and he landed in wee.

There are three well known rings to marriage: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'"