Idiots
A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they approached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they entered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiing."
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles. "We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States." "I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may be in Canada now."
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fruitcake! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!"
A man enters a bar with his pet giraffe. They both sit down and he orders them some drinks. After a while the man and the giraffe both had a quite a lot to drink. The man feels its time to go home and notices his giraffe passed out on the floor and decides to leave him there. The man starts out the door and the bartender yells at the man, "Hey you can't leave that lyin' on the floor." The man was plastered and laughed and said, "You idiot, that's not a lion that's a giraffe."
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.He tries again. Still nothing.He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
A moron walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hands and says, "Hey guys, look what I almost stepped in."
A preacher is buying a parrot."Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher."Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him."Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.""Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?""I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
A priest went to buy a parrot."Are you sure it doesn't swear?" asked the priest."Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assured him. "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm.""Wonderful!" said the priest, "but what happens if you pull both strings?""I'll fall off my friggin' perch, you idiot!" screeched the parrot.
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
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