A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a very rural area. Luckily, Farmer Jones came to help with his big strong horse named Hobo . . . He hitched ole Hobo up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Hobo didn't move a muscle... just flicked away a fly with his tail.Then Jones hollered out, "C'mon, pull, Davey, pull!" Again, ole Hobo didn't move.Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Stetson, pull!" Nothing from Hobo.Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Hobo. C'mon, boy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car up, out of the ditch.The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times in a row.Wise Farmer Jones answered, "Well, ole, Hobo here is blind as a bat. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.Others in the works:3M & Goodyear = mmmGoodJohn Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere AbiHoneywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm HomeDenison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOWCrabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab AppleSwissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = SwisscheeseZippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow says...

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. "Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe."Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer.Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ...""I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it."Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, "I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!"

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?" "Under the wagon."

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property."Retrieving this duck that I just shot." he replied."That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine." replied the farmer.Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to."No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care.""I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street.""Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the kicks law.""Never heard of it," said Johnny.The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said.So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "Alright, now it's my turn," said Johnny."Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets.We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone.Practically in tears, he called me on the phone.When I asked what was wrong, he replied, ... "The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind. The ants are blowing inthe wind.!"