Men

4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded." The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar." The others grew silent as he continued, "I'm not tottally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio anda brand new mercedes."

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?" George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!".

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Christsakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.""Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew youonly had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.""Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.""That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?""Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer.A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her.Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, "Why are there so many people here?"The farmer answered, "Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule."

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book. The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 20." Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."

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