Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!" "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes." "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!".

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. Ittook elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Fred," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday.Shlomo, the oldest, said: "I built a big mansion for our mother."Moishe, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."Ira, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."A few days later a letter arrived from their mother."Shlomo," she wrote, "the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.""Moishe," she wrote, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver - he's a pain in the tuchas.""But Ira," she wrote, "the chicken was delicious!"

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:

Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women 1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.8. Women have bigger SMART drives.9. Women don't think with their joysticks.10. Women actually read installation manuals.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode. The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, while visions of N-64 & Barbie, flipped through their heads. The dad was snoring in front of the TV, with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee. So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, which made her sigh, "Now what is the matter?" With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, She descended the stairs, & saw the old man. He was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug, "Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug." "Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake." "Your gift was especially difficult to make." "Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone." "Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone." "A clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?" "Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat." Then out walked the clone - The mother's twin, Same hair, same eyes, same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & The Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream has come true!" "I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!" From the room above, the youngest did fret. "Mommy?! Come quickly, I'm scared & I'm wet." The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart." "Hey," the mom smiled, "She sure knows her part." The clone changed the small one & hummed her tune, as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon. "You're the best mommy ever. I really love you." The clone smiled & sighed, "And I love you, too." The mom frowned & said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal." That's my child's LOVE she is trying to steal." Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, Only one loving mother is needed here." The mom kissed her child & tucked her in bed. "Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head. I sometimes forget, it won't be very long, when they'll be too old for my cradle & song." The clock on the mantle began to chime. Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time." With the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight. Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right."

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit."This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one."No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence."Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed."But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed theking's court."Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law."

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."