A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."The man replied, "I agree with you completely."This must be a sign from God!"The woman continued,"And look at this, here's another miracle - My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break! Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."She hands the bottle to the man, as the man nods his head in agreement. He opens it and (due to his traumatic experience) drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man.The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..

Five tourists in an Audi Quattro arrive at a border crossing. The customs officer waves them over. "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro," he says. "What do you mean illegal?" asks the driver. "Quattro means four," replies the officer. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts. "Look at the manual; this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the officer. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are, therefore, breaking the law." "You idiot!" the driver cries angrily. "Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the officer, "the Sergeant is busy with two newlyweds in a Fiat Uno."

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper's position... Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts," the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."

Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten, then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up. "The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, "I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"

Kentucky:Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana:A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England:A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. Arizona:A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas:A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown):A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown):A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown):A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown):A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

One day a man decides he wants to take up a new hobby. So he goes to a local sports shop and sees a duck hunting magazine and thinks to himself that it would be a challenge. So he goes out and buys all the stuff for duck hunting. The man goes to a remote area and lays his fake ducks out on the pond nearby. He hides in the tall grass and pulls out his duck whistle and starts blowing. All of a sudden there are dozens of ducks flying by and he starts to shoot at them. He does this several times that day. At the end of the day he feels good about his new hobby and starts to look for all the ducks that he shot down. After collecting all the ducks the man heads back to his car and out of nowhere a park ranger appears and says to the man "hello sir, how are you doing today?" The man says proudly, with his chest sticking out "I'm doing great!! It's my first time duck hunting and if you don't mind me saying it was a real challenge, I was even able to bag quite a few ducks today!" The ranger pauses and asks the man if he could see his duck hunting license. "Sure no problem" the man says. "May I take a look at those ducks?" the ranger says politely "Sure, they're real beauties....help yourself" replied the man. So the ranger puts on some gloves and takes out the first duck... he then proceeds to put his finger up the ducks butt. He looks at the man and says "Hmmmm... this duck is from Montana". The man is confused and thinks to himself that this ranger is weird. The ranger asks the man if he has a tag for hunting ducks in Montana on his license. "No" the man says nervously. So the ranger says "I'm sorry but I'm gonna have too give you a $1000 citation". Upset and confused the man doesn't say anything, he's shocked. So the ranger takes another duck out of the man's bag and again sticks his finger up the ducks butt. "Hmmmm... this duck is from Florida, do you have a tag for that?" the ranger says to the man. The man turns furiously red and replies "NO!" "Well I guess I'm afraid that's another $1000 citation that I have to issue you." the ranger replies. By this time the man is completely baffled and has never heard such bullcrap before. The ranger finally takes the last duck out of the bag and puts his finger up the ducks butt. "Hmmm... this duck is from Colorado, I suppose you don't have a tag for that either?" the ranger says to the man. "NOOOO", shouts the man. "Well I guess I'm gonna have to give you three citations today sir." replies the ranger. As the ranger pulls out his ticket book and starts writing the man's citation, he says to the man, "You must be new to this area, where are you from?" The man, steaming mad, pulls his pants down and shouts...."WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR FINGER UP MY BUTT AND FIND OUT!!!"

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a woman. There is a drug called "beer", that is essentially in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All women have to do is buy a "beer" or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Inform every male you know.

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?They send me a BLIND policeman!"