Old Age

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son." "Oh, that's ok," he said. "I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled. Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries. "That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk. "How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!" "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. "Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl. "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, "I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." The old man replies "Oh thank god I don't have cancer!"

An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with Yiddish accent), "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread." So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread," came the reply. So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply. So...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply once again. The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, "How was your meal TODAY, sir?" The old Jew replied, "It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!"

An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. "Thank God," she says. A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'" "Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought: What shall we say when Stalin dies?" The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP 2. WON'T RUN AWAY 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, 'Who are you and what do you want?' 'Hi,' said the man 'Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away.' The old woman asked, 'What makes you think you're so great in bed?' To which he replied, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said "I've been molested!" The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down. 10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of wackos - who'd molest them? 10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle. "Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" "I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away..."

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each two dollars if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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