Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!

1) A clear concience is a sign of a bad memory. 2) For every action,there is an equal and opposite critisism. 3) He who hesitates is probably right. 4) Eagles may soar,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5) I went to find some camouflage clothing,but I couldn't find it. 6) My wife went to a self help group for compulsive talkers,it's called On & On Anon. 7) I'm reading a terrific book about anti-gravity, I just can't put it down. 8) I allways wanted to be somebody,I guess I should have been more specific... 9) If you are what you eat,I'm dead meat. 10) Middle age is having two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. 11) Seen it all,done it all,just can't remember most of it. 12) Its a cruel choice,work or daytime tellevision. 13) I intend to live forever -------- so far,so good. 14) I have seen the truth and it makes no sence. 15) The best part about computers is that they make very fast mistakes. ------------------------------------------------------------

The following were some comments made in the year 1957: (1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00." (2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one." (3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." (4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" (5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." (6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." (7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls'." (8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind', it seems every new movie has either 'hell' or 'damn' in it." (9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." (10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President." (11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." (12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." (13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." (14) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." (15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." (16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress." (17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." (18) "I guess taking a vacation is out of the question now days. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

Q: What's green, has 3 eyes, sharp teeth, and blood on its face? A: I don't know, but it's on your shoulder!

Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

I always follow my first instinct, That is unless I second guess myself. --------------------------------------------- Why don't you have a drink, your only driving to a funeral right? --------------------------------------------- Why buy a watch from the competitor, I thought time was against us? ---------------------------------------------- You must be smart, because you just confused us all. ----------------------------------------------

Q: Where do nudists go fishing? A: Moon River. Q: What do you call a singing hot dog in New York, New York? A: Frank Sinatra. Q: What do you call a really smart cow? A: Grade A beef. Q: What song do they play at plumbers' funerals? A: Taps. Q: Where do you take a sick potato? A: To a M.A.S.H. unit.

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?"

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.

"It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled 'abort! abort!'"