This above a uranal. What are you looking at? The real joke is in your hands!

A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, could he call a cow a countess? The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, "How do you do, Countess?"

Why don't you slip into something comfortable. Like a coma.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

If I wanted to think of a better come back, I'd dig it out of your @$$!

Your mouth is so big you could swallow a whole banana... ...sideways

Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse. His son asks him, "Dad, which film is this?" to which he replied, "Son, this isn't a film, this is a series."

You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.