1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.8. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.9. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.10. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said," George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and wetook a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once." "We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice." "You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time." My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned tome and quietly said...that's once."

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?". The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. He says "Honey, what are you doing". She says, "I'm leaving you, I want a divorce."The husband says, "But why, what's wrong?"The wife says, "I just found out that you are a pedophile"The husband says, "Whoa, that's an awful big word for a 10-year old."

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day beforeThanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone."Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," hesays, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."