A man was enjoying a pleasant afternoon of golf. On the 15th hole, he drove his ball to the right of the fairway into a patch of buttercups. As he neared the ball, he heard a small voice say, "Please sir, don't hurt my buttercups!." He looked around, but there was no one nearby. So he starts towards his ball again and hears, "Please sir, don't hurt my buttercups!" Well, the man is a little disturbed by this, so he decides to leave that ball and play another, even though this will cost him a stroke. After he makes his play, an elf appears! "Thank you, sir, for not hurting my buttercups. As a reward, I will give you all the butter you could ever want." "Well, that's great," replied the man, "but where were you when I was in the pussy willows?!"

If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be: - The Bears - And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball!!

College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version Time Limit: 3 Weeks Name: _____________________________ 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to ___ (a) build a bridge ___ (b) sail the ocean ___ (c) lead an army or ___ (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? ___ (a) Jewish ___ (b) Catholic ___ (c) Hindu ___ (d) Polish ___ (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north called? ___ (a) Westerners ___ (b) Southerners ___ (c) Northerners 9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton Bush: __________________________________________ Carter: __________________________________________ Clinton: __________________________________________ 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five: 11. Where does rain come from? ___ (a) Macy's ___ (b) a 7-11 ___ (c) Canada ___ (d) the sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? ___ (a) yes ___ (b) no 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? ___ (a) New York ___ (b) Florida ___ (c) Canada ___ (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? 20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? ___ (a) B.C. ___ (b) A.D. * You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

What does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.

Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" Bill replies, "Somersaults." Ralph exclaims, "Somersaults! How many of them does it do?" Bill calmly replies, "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the low seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The low seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole," I confessed.

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger. "Frickin 'eck" says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!".

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis! Endless Love!