Farmers

A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him. . . when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight.He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?"He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field. "

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost."$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot."That's too much," said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.""Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS."A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!"The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!......he blows the young rooster to bits.He sadly shakes his head and says, "Damnit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

A farmer had three very beautiful daughters. One friday they all had dates, as they do every friday. Well the very protective farmer was sitting in the living room watching television that friday when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a man which was clearly one of the girls dates. Well the man says "My name's Sam and im here for Pam and we're going to go jam". So the father okays everything and calls his daughter down. the couple leaves. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and there is another man. He says "My name's Freddy and im here for betty and we're going to go eat some spaghetti". Once again the farmer okays everything and they go along on their merry way. Ten minutes later the door belll rings again and the farmer opens the door.The Farmer says you must be here for Cindy. The man at the door says "Yes actually, my name's Chuck and were going to go-" The farmer shot him.

A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, "I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven." The uncle wrote back: "You did all right.I only sent six."

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only impregnate the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your breasts twice a day, but only made love to you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn 't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I 'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can 't believe that. I 've never had any trouble with my chickens. I 'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "You 're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?" The new farmer said, "Well, I 'm not sure whether I 'm planting them too deep or too close together."

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