1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?" 2nd Officer: "Who?" 1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!" 2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?" 1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."

63 Ways To Make A Police Officer Angry 1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 5. Ask if you can see his gun. 6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 7. Touch him. 8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 10. Refer to him by his first name. 11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 12. When he says no, cry. 13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 23. Trip and fall into him. 24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 26. Chew on the pen, nervously. 27. Clean your ear with the pen. 28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... 30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 31. Act like you are retarded. 32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 33. Mumble to yourself. 34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... 36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 38. Ask if he watches Cops. 39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 40. Giggle if he did. 41. Talk to your hand. 42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 46. Try to sell him your car. 47. Ask if you can buy his car. 48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 49. Play with the siren. 50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner 52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er. 53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 57. Turn your head and whistle. 58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 62. Tell him you like men in uniform. 63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. "How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!" screams the captain.

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?" The fellow says, "SAND!" The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border. Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated... "What have you got there?" "Sand." "Let me see it." Same results... Nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again. Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything... What were you smuggling?" The fellow replies, "Bicycles."