A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and nbring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was stunned. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the darn jar open!"

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest members and Polish men have the biggest diameter members. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Stempowski, nice to meet you."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in ananimated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them atfirst, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one ofthe men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I comeonce-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and peetwice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

A dwarf is walking down the street and he picks up a hooker. He takes her back to his bedroom and she lays on the bed ready for him.He takes out a suitcase and unpacks four large springs, which he attaches to his hands and feet, climbs over her and starts to give it to her - bouncey bouncey!So anyway she is absolutely loving this and when he finishes she says 'I've never seen that method before, it's not in the Kama Sutra - what's it called?'The dwarf says 'Oh, that was the "Four-Sprung Dwarf Technique"'

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father. "Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl. "You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father. "I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island. The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off. One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last. The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too." The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

A guy went into this bar and saw this man with a shrunken head. Amazed, he goes up to him and asks how it happened."I was a sailor who was shipwrecked on an deserted island" he replies. "When I was on the island, I saw this woman who looked like she was drowning, so I saved her. She turned out to be this beautiful enchanted mermaid and she offered me three wishes as payment. My first wish was to get off the island and back home. No sooner than I asked did we end up back at my house. My next wish was for money. The next thing you know, my house was filled with bills of all denominations. I couldn't have been happier. When she reminded me of my final wish, all I could think of was how beautiful she was. I wished to make love to her.She told me that it was impossible, seeing how she was a mermaid and all. So I said 'Well, how about a little head?'"