A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex and the mom was jumpin all over the dad.So the next day the little boy asks his mom what she was doing. She replies with "Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat and needs to lose weight."The little boy said "But Mommy, that won't work because every morning the lady next door comes over and blows him back up!"

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l v-v-vibrators h-here?"The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?""Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?""Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big." "W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

A man and a woman walk into a doctors office, they tell the doctor that they don't know how to have sex. The doctor tells the couple, "the man has to stick the longest part of his body into the hariest part of the woman's body" the doctor then says "go home and have sex come back in couple of weeks".They come back after a couple of weeks and tell the doctor that they are not successful. The doctor asks "what did you do?" The man answers "I stuck my nose in her armpit."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married.""Hey, terrific idea!" says the eager man."Good!" she replies, "Get your own fu..in' blanket!"

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat.As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"She turns and smiles,and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac convention, in Chicago."Whoa! He swallows hard,and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right NEXT to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.""Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.""Very interesting," the man responds.Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!"The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your member is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor ask him what happened."Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my mistake.""What did you do?" ask the doctor."Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the Mrs.. "This one here looks like yours!" A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.""You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!""Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A man went to church to confess to the priest.The priest says,"what do you need to confess?" The man tells him,"well during the war I hid a German lady in my closet and they never found her." The priest say,"well that's alright you saved her life, do you have anything else to confess?" The man tells the priest,"yes, I told her the only way I would hid her is only for sexual favors." The priest tells him,"You know you did wrong there, right." The man says,"yes." The priest ask him,"is that all?" The man says,"no,I need to ask you a question." The preist says,"what is it?" The man says to the priest,"Do I have to tell her the war is over?"

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest member the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen."

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee; he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later, Mrs. Murphy visits the doctor, and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."