1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run thecountry. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the countrybut don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however,like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind runningthe country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they canget a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptionsif the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, whoalso happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long asthey are Democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at thegrocery store.

1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman. 2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seenmany books on the subject, and finally, aftergetting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THEREARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cutyet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down tothe opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward,and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No...this is the manager of the hockey rink..."

"He's great on the court," a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his academics?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a just little crooked."

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter." The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary. "How old are you?" George asked. "I'm ninety-four," Gary responded. "Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?" At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!" "Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf." George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary. "Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one. "Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Gary yelled. "Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?" Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."

THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU! With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks - possibly a whole year - as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments, but to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?" Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING" Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below. ___YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: [ ] Starter [ ] Reserve [ ] Star* [ ] Superstar** [ ] Entire team*** [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. * Higher cost ** Much higher cost *** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders). Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard [ ] Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________ Telephone Number: __________________ Account Number: _____________________ Exp.Date:____________________________ Signature: _________________________ Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh, yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't." "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels." She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

a man goes on a trip to japan on business. inbetween sessions, he goes to play golf. he ends up having the worst day of his life. all double bogeys. a fellow golfer tells him the best way to correct this is to go get laid, so he will relax. he goes to the local, and goes at it. the lady spends the entire evening screaming, naha sari! over and over. the man then triumphantly returns, and at the first hole, he hits a hole in one! thinking of the night before , he smiles, and yells, naha sari! the man golfing with him looks and says, "what do you mean wrong hole?"